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I'm a 40 year old queen living in what used to be a gay Mecca before my time. I got my queer training wheels in West Hollywood over 20 years ago but now I live in San Francisco. I am grateful to be old enough to remember what it was like to attract someone in person. There used to be a whole song and dance involved made up of various coy and coquettish nuances that I mastered by a combination of instinct and observation. I knew how to navigate the pitter-patter of small-talk while my eyes scanned the body of my potential suitor, "up and down like a searchlight" as they say in The Women.
Nowadays, it's all digital. I don't know what I'm getting when I throw my line out for potential dick and that's all it's about anymore; is dick. Back when I was younger, meeting a guy had so much potential. Even if it only ended up in a one night stand, the most I expected was a ride home in the morning.
It was electric back then. Finding a new sexual exploit made my stomach twitch with nervous butterflies while I could bask in the after glow for hours or even days.
Somewhere in the past 10 years, that world vanished and my sex life became a game of odds ferreted out among online identity screen names. My use of the name FlipFlopFag seemed to garner a lot of attention because it was like being the universal donor with something to offer every body.
Today I use GanymedeZ, the name for Zeus' trophy boyfriend with a Z like Liza that I was forced to add since the alternative had been taken. On Men4Now, I am Gayzelle, a name I coined myself that's a combination of gay and gazelle, the fastest runner in the animal kingdom.
A typical night is like running wet sand through your fingers. The minute I log on I am bombarded with offers that I weed out. The thumbnail pictures I'm judging them on are usually so small it's always a leap of faith when making arrangements because the reality is one never knows what we'll end up with. The following is an actual exchange between me and an anonymous ally from the trenches called Gaston, as we volleyed back and forth on Adam4Adam.
Ganymedez: Hey Hot Stuff. You know what I really hate? When some guy says he has pnp and wants to come over so you take a shower, give him your address and then he disappears. I'm going through that right now.
Gaston:
Sorry to hear that, Honeybunz
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(3 hrs ago) Its awful. This dude was so hot! I might have known it would only be a mirage.
I don't understand why people do that-- I mean, I've been a no show before but that was because I happened to get a look at the guy before I introduced myself and he was a total milquetoast.
(2 hrs ago) Oooh, whats his screen name? ;)
Ganymedez
You don't need to know that. Oh, he just emailed me with some bull tweaker story about wanting to come over but having to babysit his roommate who fell out on G(HB) because the dude's date ditched him. WHATEVER... Its been over an hour and I am invited somewhere else by this couple who proposition me every single time I'm online without following through. This time, they actually called me on the phone to say that they were going to pnp with their friend who had a huge dick. I said, "are you calling just to rub it in or am I invited?" They said I was invited but that they needed to take a shower and would call back with their address. That was hours ago so it looks like they're keeping their perfect record of dicking me around.
So I could be sitting here putting somebody else off waiting for this dude to call who may not and the other due to show up who may not-- then I get nothing nowhere no how. In the words of Sweet Charity Hope Valentine... "There's gotta be something better than this." Sing it Charity..."something better to do"...
Gaston: (2 hrs ago) So you're going with door number two then
Ganymedez
(2 hrs ago) hah ha-- OK Door # 1 just texted to say he is actually on his way and walking-- while 2 seconds later another guy who had texted earlier to say he wanted to get together with me but had made plans with somebody else was calling back. That was TotalTop, a Marine who sent me a picture of himself in army fatigues. I told him we'd do it another time, thankful that at least one was out of the running. He was texting back to say his plans fell through and he was around the corner. What to do, what to do. I put 2 on ice while I told 1 to hurry up but what if 1 flakes and then 2 falls apart because I put him on ice? I could be alone after all this.
It's a goddamn roulette wheel every fucking time.
Gaston:
(2 hrs ago)
Thus we play the odds still ;) Keep me posted on how it all turns out
Two hour lapse....
Ganymedez
(31 mins ago) Just as I was about to make the crucial decision, still holding out for the first guy with the G'd out roommate to show up, he actually did.
And as it turned out, after all that I should have gone with the Marine. The Door #1 guy with the G'd out roommate turned out to be fat! But he had a lot going on underneath, know what I mean? It was pretty as in pretty useless. I made the best of it but it only reminded me of how I got fucked over and not in the way I wanted. I gave it the old college try but couldn't wait for it to be over. Then he immediately started complaining about how hot it was in my room. It's a fucking sauna. I have to do something about that...
You know I had to use one of my overnights for that? We are only allowed 9 a month living in this institutional hotel environment and it's not like I can invite someone else over after he leaves.
What am I going to do now?
Gaston:
(16 mins ago)
hmm, well how did you leave things with the marine? Was there potential for a second try?
Ganymedez (just now) I sent my most profuse apologies to GI Joe and asked if we could reconvene in the future.Dead Air. Silence. Void That's what I got back. He is probably just as hot in person as he was in his picture. Of course, he'd be the one to break the mold. Everyone who looks halfway decent in their photo is always 10 times worse in real life. I hope I didn't offend him by stalling but then, what was I supposed to do?You know, I'm getting way too old for this and I have never even had a husband or boyfriend for more than a weekend...
--fin---The tale is too tragic to be believed. Forget finding a husband. Finding a trick that even remotely attracts me is practically impossible. Sex is purely perfunctory to me, All I can say is, "there's gotta be something better than this."
unflinchingly honest retrospectives
